A Point-by-Point Assessment of “10 Reasons to Date a Depressive”

[TMI Warning]

Thought Catalog had an interesting post yesterday called “10 Reasons to Date a Depressive.” It’s sardonic and irreverent but actually brings up a few good points about depressives (and dating them). I’m going to analyze the piece point-by-point and add my own (as usual, very serious and scholarly) commentary.

1. Anything you leave with them will be right where you left it, no matter how long you leave it. Pending suicide, hospitalization or just deciding to go somewhere else while in a melancholic haze, the depressive avoids doing, well, things.

Yeah, this is pretty true. I think I’m unusual in that I force myself to clean even when I’m feeling awful (because it helps), but many depressives don’t.

2. Borrowing money has two advantages. Depressives do not expect you to pay them back. It’s probable they don’t even remember lending it to you, after a while of nothing mattering.

Partially true. We do often feel like people are always going to take advantage of us (i.e. by not paying us back), but we never forget. We hold it in the back of our minds and feel resentful.

3. Cheap date. Most depressives who want to live at least a little are on some sort of antidepressant. The chemicals in most antidepressants increase the potency of alcohol. You may end up with vomit on you while they tell you stories of their missed opportunities. But then again, you may not. It’s good to stay optimistic around depressives, for obvious reasons. Also, most depressives don’t eat much.

Since I don’t really drink, I wouldn’t know about this. However, it’s worth pointing out that not only are some antidepressants potentially fatal if taken with alcohol, but it’s also a really bad idea to drink if you’re depressed (alcohol itself is a depressant, and so on and so forth). If you’re dating a depressive, please don’t encourage them to drink.

4. Avoiding the meet the family situation. Depressives usually hate their family. And depressives don’t want to meet your weirdo brood. That would interrupt days-long, pensive thought-loops. These are necessary for doing nothing.

Not true for me, but definitely true for some.

5. Sex. As with most things it’s a double-edge sword with the depressed. They may get wasted (easily, see above) and fuck some of that anger out on you or they may get wasted and spend the night in the emergency room. It is worth the risk, though, if only to do it once. Intoxicated sex with a highly-medicated depressive is liken swimming with dolphins.

Actually, many depressives lose interest in sex as a result of their condition, and many antidepressants can lower sex drive or inhibit orgasms as a side effect. Also, from what I’ve heard (but thankfully never experienced), drunk people in general are TERRIBLE at sex.

6. Drugs. Depressed people love to self-medicate. This often means unlimited beer and usually pills and pot. If you’re into speedy drugs though, you’re out of luck. Depressives are terribly uncomfortable with bouts of increased energy.

I wouldn’t know.

7. Poor memory and attention. Lucky for you, poor cognitive skills are a sign of depression! Depressed partners won’t remember things, like cruel words or mysterious sheet stains, and there’s less of a chance they’ll notice when you do stupid shit.

Only partially true. We definitely have poor memory and attention, but we will ALWAYS notice when you do stupid shit, ALWAYS freak out about it, and ALWAYS remember it.

8. A lot of quiet time. If you’re into quiet (though not usually the peaceful kind), depressives are for you. If they aren’t quiet due to overwhelming internal existential dread, you’re getting the silent treatment for whatever you most recently said or did that crushed their identity.

Haha. This is completely true. If you’re going to date a depressive, make sure you’re not one of those people who needs to be talking or doing something all the time. We like to sit around and think.

9. Sensitivity. Depressives are very sensitive people. This will work well for you when you are sick or lose your job or any time you need someone to feel sorry for you. Or maybe you saw a squirrel outside and then looked away and when you looked back it was gone and for a second you were slightly glum. Anything. Just don’t expect any actual help. Depressives are already too weighed down with pain to do physical activities.

So so so so true. Whenever one of my friends or family members is upset, I literally feel it in my heart. I would drop anything to help someone. Even if it’s not something that I personally would be upset about (for instance, one of my friends gets very upset about bad grades and I don’t really), it’s like my feet instantly go in their shoes. Most depressives I know are the same way. Of course, though, sensitivity also has the flip side of making people very easily hurt, which is one of the hallmarks of depression.

10.You are now awesome! When with depressives, usually a mess of bodily and foreign clothing stains, bloodshot eyes and plenty of hopelessness to share, you are truly a joy to all of the senses. So, even if you don’t want to invest in dating a depressive, just spending a little time with one can go a long way to making you feel better about yourself.

Honestly, from what I’ve heard, spending time with depressives makes you feel much more shitty than good. So don’t do it for that reason.

3 thoughts on “A Point-by-Point Assessment of “10 Reasons to Date a Depressive”

  1. Thank you for reading my piece and recognizing it as an attempt at comedy when sometimes there is none.

    • You’re welcome, Brandy! I may not have agreed with all of it, but I didn’t see the need to get offended just because the tone wasn’t exactly somber. 🙂

  2. Pingback: Mental Illness Is Not a Punchline « Brute Reason

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