No, really, that’s a legitimate question. Why are people older than me–even by just a few years–so eager to put down all of my hopes and dreams?
Let me give a few nonspecific examples of Things Older People Have Said recently to me:
- “You know, guys really don’t go for complex women.” (Women like me, that is, in the context of that conversation.)
- “Oh, trust me, by the time you have a job, you’re not going to care about making a difference. It’ll just be about how you hate your boss and can’t wait to go home by the end of the day.”
- “You’re never going to be successful if you don’t learn how to be pushy.”
- “It’s going to be even harder to make friends after college, you know.”
- “You’re gonna go for a PhD? You do realize how much work that is, right?”
- “Psychologists don’t make that much money. You should try to get an MD instead.”
Perhaps you Well-Meaning Adults are all under the impression that I have excessively high expectations and need a Dose of Healthy Realism to prevent myself from getting disappointed later on. Perhaps you just don’t realize what weight your words can carry for someone who is younger and looking for someone to help them find their way.
Well, this might be news to you, but I have a mental disorder that basically means that my expectations are already unhealthily low. That’s what depression does. It robs you of all the hope and optimism you used to have. Every bit of genuine excitement that I have for the future is something I’ve worked very, very hard to muster up. And guess what you’re doing. You’re taking it away from me.
People. My disorder does a perfectly fine job of putting me down all on its own. It really doesn’t need any help from you. I don’t need to be reminded of how hard it’s going to be to make friends, get a job, find a partner. Trust me, I’ve been over this in my mind over and over and over again Many, many sleepless nights. I’ve been over it until I’ve cried my head off and wanted to kill myself. Really. I do not need your help.
You know what, I appreciate that maybe your life didn’t turn out the way you wanted. And that sucks. I’m sorry you have a shit job, I’m sorry you have an awful time meeting people and dating. If you’d like, feel free to tell me about that. Or go tell a therapist. Or whatever. But your experiences do not give you the right to take my hope away from me. Especially when you’re some measly three or four years older! Jesus Christ! You’re still finding your own way. You’re not dead yet. At least wait till you get your own kids before you start dispensing your Divine Wisdom to someone else.
I’m seriously considering kicking these people out of my life, because as much as I’ve always believed that friendship with people older than me is important and extremely valuable, I can’t have these people making me feel crappy all the time.
Why does this happen? I think we have a cultural stereotype of young adults as exceedingly cocky, optimistic, and entitled. Well, guys, you know what they say about people who assume. First of all, as I’m pretty sure everyone I’m acquainted with knows, I’m not even from this country. Take everything you know about “American Young Adults” and toss it the fuck out, because I grew up with a different cultural background, one in which humbleness and realism are prized qualities.
Second, even supposing I were the most typical American girl you can imagine, you should still quit it with the damn stereotypes already. Everyone has their quirks and idiosyncrasies. Some people come from broken families. Some people grew up poor. Some people have a disability, maybe one you can’t see. Some people read a ton of books when they were kids. Some people grew up being bullied in school. Some people have depression, anxiety, OCD, ADHD, a substance abuse disorder, autism or Asperger’s, or some other condition. Some people are just plain different!
So throw out those silly magazine articles about “Today’s Entitled Bratty Self-righteous Cocky Inept Stupid Young Adults” and see what’s right in front of you. Some of us are just trying to get by. Some of us are just trying to scrounge up every last shred of hope we have and keep on living. Just because I’m young doesn’t mean I think it’s all rainbows and butterflies ahead. I work hard to keep my chin up. Don’t you dare take that away from me.
Right on. I can’t count the number of times older people tried to offer advice and suggestions on how I should run my personal life. “You’ll keep choosing until all the good ones will be taken”, “You’ll spend the rest of your life alone”, “Why don’t you just settle with this guy?”, “Don’t you want to get married and have babies, like everybody else?”
The funniest thing was that all this always came from people whose own personal lives were unmitigated, scary disasters.
Yeah! Since when is someone’s failure of a life a good example for me to imitate??
I’ve found that the happiest, most well-adjusted people tend to give me advice that is actually productive. But unfortunately, most people aren’t that happy or well-adjusted.
Wow. I don’t know who these kinds of people are, but I’m glad that I’ve somehow managed to avoid meeting them…
You know, I think it works best to ignore advice that people give without you asking for it first. The sort of people you want advice from, people who have any sort of faith in you and your capability to do something with your life, will wait until you ask for help before telling you what to do.
Wait, was that last paragraph hypocritical of me?
When you come in contact with the naysayers and the dream squashers, run like hell.
Don’t listen to those people. They just want you to be miserable like they are.
I really don’t know why that kind of negativity is supposed to be so “mature.”
Live your life for you. Not for anyone else.
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