“You’re not really depressed, you just get sad sometimes.”
“You’re not really a lesbian, you’ve just had some bad experiences with men.”
“You’re not really an atheist, you’re just questioning your faith. You’ll find God again.”
Why do people say these things?
Everyone I ask seems to have a story about a friend or family member who just cannot accept what they disclose about themselves and insist that it’s not true–without any evidence.
From a skeptical perspective, that bothers me. Most of the time, when someone makes a statement, it’s possible to (intelligently) dispute it. If someone states a fact–i.e. “It’s 70 degrees outside”–you can dispute it if you have evidence against it–i.e. your thermometer reads 80 degrees. If someone states an opinion that can be supported by facts–i.e. “Mitt Romney would be a good president because he has business experience”–you can counter it with an opposing statement that is also supported by facts–i.e. “Mitt Romney would be a bad president because his ideas about fixing the economy would actually worsen the situation for the middle and lower classes and also because he is a huge lying douchecanoe.” (But I digress.)
However, if someone makes a fact-based claim that they have firsthand knowledge of and you do not–i.e. “I don’t believe in God” or “I am a lesbian”–you cannot argue. Sorry, but you can’t. You have no evidence.
You can, if you want to be an asshole, tell them that they’re going to hell or that you find that appalling or that you hope they change. But you cannot claim it isn’t true.
(Likewise, feelings are not up for debate. If someone says they’re sad, then they’re sad. If they say they feel embarrassed, then they feel embarrassed. “But you don’t really feel that way–” Yep, they do.)
But what if you have a Real Legitimate Concern that it’s “just a phase,” or that they’re misinterpreting things somehow?
First of all, examine where that concern is stemming from. Is it because, in your heart of hearts, you really really don’t want this person to be who they say they are? If so, you should probably keep your Real Legitimate Concerns to yourself, because you may* be a bigot.
If it’s because this person has a history of going through “phases,” it’s more reasonable of you to gently express your concern, but be kind about it. Most people stop going through phases eventually, and this could be it.
However, even if it is a “just a phase,” that doesn’t make it any less legitimate. As people grow and mature–this is a process that lasts a lifetime, by the way, rather than stopping at some arbitrary age–they change. Religious people may become atheists; atheists may become religious. Political identities change. Mental health changes. Even sexual orientation and gender identity can change. That doesn’t mean that a person’s past identities were fake or “lies,” and even if you believe that what they’re telling you now will not always be true, the kind thing to do is to affirm who the person is right now.
And if you’re “disagreeing” with what someone says about themselves because you’re concerned about possible repercussions for the person if they identify that way (such as being bullied for being gay or ostracized by family for being an atheist), remember that the onus is never on victims of prejudice to hide who they are. It’s on the rest of us to learn how to treat them like human beings. If you’re spending your energy on trying to get people to hide who they are when you could be spending it on encouraging people not to be bigots, you’re doin’ it wrong.
Depression presents a special case. When someone discloses to you that they are depressed, it may be extremely tempting to try to persuade them that they’re not “really” depressed because you think that this will help somehow. However, you can’t will an illness out of existence anyway, so you might as well accept what they’re telling you and try to be supportive. For many people (like me), identifying themselves as “depressed” is a relief, because the alternative is to believe that it’s just your personality and that you’re destined for a life of misery. That’s a topic for a whole other post, though.
In general, asking questions is better than making statements when someone’s telling you something personal–it shows that you don’t presume to know more about their experience than they do. However, there are definitely right and wrong ways to go about it. “So how did you realize you were a [insert identity here]?” is worlds better than “But how do you really know you’re [insert identity here]? I mean I had a friend who said they were [insert identity here] but they changed their mind later/were only doing it for attention/were just going through a phase! Are you sure?”
Remember, though, that it’s not the person’s job to provide you with Sufficient Evidence that what they’re saying about themselves is true. Sure, people lie about themselves sometimes. But presuming that someone is lying when they’re actually not is a pretty easy way to ruin a relationship.
If you have someone in your life who insists on disagreeing when you disclose something about yourself, here are some of my favorite ways to respond (warning: snark may not be suitable for everyone):
- “Interesting. How did you learn to read minds?”
- “You’re probably right, you know me much better than I know myself. Tell me, am I hungry right now? Should I go eat?”
- “How do you know that?”
- “Actually, yes, I really am [insert identity here].”
- “Citations or GTFO.”
*You may! I said you may! That doesn’t mean you are. It’s a distinct possibility, however.
nice job laying it all out, cat. this post is pretty clear and thorough– way awesome.
i used to have people in my life who said shit like that, most of them kinda fucked off after i fended them off with snark a few times. win!
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bravo, bravo. not only well written, but well stated also. One you may have missed which exercises my tongue biting no end: a relative discovers that (gasp) you are NOT pregnant and have no kids. “don’t worry”, he or she croons. “I heard that if you adopt a baby, pretty soon you will have One of your Own, too…” And then do we take the ‘fake’ child back? What is this, a fertility doll?
“Why do people say these things?”
I think it’s a lizard brain thing. The more I think about it, the more I think that the process of reacting to new information almost always goes emotional response first, and then attempts to make that emotional response make sense. If someone doesn’t understand how another person could be gay, asexual, depressed, childfree-by-choice, etc, then that information may be uncomfortable for them. To make the information make sense within their worldview—to make that discordant discomfort go away—they have to couch it in terms that fit with their view of the world, and the easiest way to do that is to assume the person is just confused.
I don’t think it’s a good thing that this happens, but this is my working model for why it happens.
Love the suggestions at the end! I believe people make these comments out of their owns fears and defenses. Well, ok, in some cases they are just ignorant, like the person who gave me a “test” to prove I was “really” pansexual. Brilliant.